I’ve always dreamed that one day I would have the courage to tell him how I’ve felt for the past three years. Being as shy and soft-spoken as I am, I never been able to say what I want. He won’t see this post, though part of me wants to share it with him. I’ve found the chance to be able to finally say what I want. (I’ll change his name to R just for personal reasons.)
Its been a while since I last sent you a letter. I believe my last letter to you was in April. In that letter, I forgave you for what happened. I’m sorry but this letter will take back that forgiveness.
I’m happy you have a girl. I admit I was devastated at first, but I have moved on since. I’m happy you have a girl, but I’m not happy that a girl has you. I’m not sure you deserve someone as kind and pretty as she is and I am worried for her. Both you and I know that it can only end badly. You have a need to destroy things when everything is fine. You told me yourself,”She’ll be done with me in three months.” I sometimes wish I could contact her and warn her. Warn her you’ll criticize her and torment her until she feels of nothing. I want less casualties, I know deep down you want less too.
I don’t hate anyone. The only people I would consider to hate are anyone who would hurt my friends. Miraculously, even when you are three thousand miles away, you managed to hurt my friends. You can torment me all you want, but hurting my friends is the worst thing you could possibly do to me, and you knew that. There is no way you could have imagined that going well. You hurt them and they lost trust in me. You destroyed the trust I developed between not only me and my friends, but also between me and you. You lost a friend. The only reason I was so open with you was because you had no access to my friends and family. I believed my secrets were safe with you. I felt vulnerable. I don’t think you realized that after that, all my trust in you faded.
I know its hard for you to love. You’ve told me it runs in the family. You’ve told me the stories of your past lovers. I don’t know when you became cruel towards someone you claim to love, but I understand its something that began when you were young. Your ability to connect with people has been forever altered because of how your childhood has been.
I couldn’t possibly understand what living in an unstable home would be like. I can only see by how you act. You push every person away, especially the ones you’re closest with. I could ask you why but you’d give me a smug response to hide the fact that it hurts. Something went wrong in your childhood, whether it be your parents divorce or your stepdad, it has hurt you. What ever happened back then has affected your relationships. You hurt the ones you care for. I can’t hate you for that. I understand and I’m terribly sorry, but I can’t be a victim anymore.
Its been three years. Three years you kept me at your side like an accessory. I’m nor as dumb and clueless as you think I am. I’m not blind to your cruelty. Then again maybe I was. How could I convince myself that you might actually have liked me? I don’t know, but I’m ending this again.
I’ll quietly endure our conversations until I have the bravery to send this.